Moving along

The hardest time I have ever faced is when I stopped seeing myself grow. With nothing to reassure me I was on the right path I felt as though I had simply stopped moving forward. Even through therapy and medication I still felt stuck and that was the time I realized that in some instances it’s hard to simply stay the course and have faith. There is no one telling you that you have done a good job or made the right decision. There are no pats on the back and no atta’boys for your effort. It is simply a disgusting stagnant feeling of non-movement. A feeling of relapse even, but I know where I stand. I know that on days like these I simply have to dig in my heels and know that while I might not see growth it is happening. It may not be bountiful and all at once but changes are occurring. Maybe on a smaller more molecular level, but on those levels are when the most significant changes occur. Coming forward and settling into place being unwilling to be pushed back down the hill that you have fought to climb, there may be a long road ahead but I assure you with each second the road behind becomes longer as well. You may not be able to see the future or make out where you should even begin to trek but your past becomes clearer every single day and I have yet to meet a man who is not defined by his past. The reason for this is that your past completes your future and the only moment you have is the very present. So for everyone who is scared they might be stuck or a bit afraid that they might not be moving forward, I say this to you…. Stand still and know that it takes just as much strength to do so.

Apologies

I do not apologize for who I am

I do not apologize for who I am not

I do not apologize for who I could be

I do not about apologize for what I’ve forgot

Because life sweeps you up and it takes you away

It gives you different stresses until your hair turns gray

Maybe if you’re lucky it might just fall out

And if you win the lottery you could see what life’s all about

I am not here to be sorry or to be sane

I am here to be me because I won’t ever be again

I am once in a lifetime and one in a trillion

I am not a wrong or a right to be given

I should not be scolded or looked down upon

I will not thieve from life and I will not con

I will give love and hope it comes back to me

If it doesn’t I will still hope

If it does…

And it just keeps repeating.

I hate you, I fucking hate you. You ripped out my heart, I hate you. You smile with your lipstick and you used me to get over shit. I hate you. I hate your hair. I hate your eyes, I hate your smile, I hate your lies, I hate your body, I hate your smell, I hate your values, I hate this cell. It’s made of hate. A stringed together collection of memories we made. You were mean but you said it was for me, now I’m mean and you act like I shouldn’t be. You don’t undetstand, you can’t comprehend, you just laugh and like to pretend. It’s not okay. The things you take and what you give away, it’s not okay. I hate this day, I hate my heart, I hate your guts, I hate new starts. I hate packing my shit, I hate talking, I hate seeing you smile, I hate walking. It’s not fair, it’s unfair and unjust, you filled me with hopes I thought I could trust. What about sorry? Why won’t you say it? Is it because you’d have to be wrong to even rationalize the thought of the word coming from your pursed lips? Like laser beams and lighting rods from a wizards finger tips. You hurt me. You made me break. You built me up and and you cut me down. You took all my smiles and gave me a frown. I hate your car, I hate your friends, I hate your heart, I hate how this ends. I wasn’t enough that’s fair, but you dragged me through that for over a year. You knew but you didn’t speak, you held onto it and made me bleek, it’s not a metaphor it’s just the truth I hate all the things about you and the way you do.

Be kind, rewind!

Be kind. Be kind in all you do. Be kind because you do not know what is in someone else’s mind. What chain reaction your words may set in place. See this life isn’t a race and if it was the ones set slow paced like lumbering elephants would win. Triumphantly with their trunks raised ignoring the monkeys praise. Be considerate. Always be considerate. Be considerate because you do not know the pain that has stained someone else’s soul and in that moment you must help them glow so that the light they shine can be seen by all of mankind and then, it will be your turn. Be loving. Every moment of every day be loving. Be loving because you know that love is something no man can conquer and it is a beast that grows just like anger but the only one that grows is the one you feed and love… love is what the world needs. Be patient. With each driving breath be patient. Be patient because someone may have waited longer, stood taller, and cried harder. Maybe you are player two and your turn hasn’t come around but it will so do not frown. Be sure. Of all you do be sure. Be sure because each day brings a passing glance of the past and all you have overcome so be sure that nothing has knocked at your door you cannot overcome. You are the one who knocks. Be careful. With each step be careful. Be careful because there are toes carefully planted beneath you feet and with each one stepped on they will cry out directly on beat letting you know their woes and where you should be headed but you are headed in a different direction a better path one not meant to be directed. Be humble. With every victory be humble. Be humble because you know how hard it can be and you would never tease a honeybee who has yet to make his honey. Being humble let’s others walk in your shadow, it let’s you lead the way when even you are unsure of where you are headed. Be you. In all that you may do, be you. Be you because you know no one else can. These shoes were made to fit only your feet and that gold was used to pave your street. Know that if your smile was up for sale it would be bought and placed over Mona Lisa’s because it doesn’t just shine bright it is the essence of light, it is you. Be confident. Into each new day be confident. Be confident because you can see your mile markers meticulously placed all along your route letting you know that you have never stopped and that no one else could make it this far. Be what you are and if you don’t have confidence, fake it and be confident that it will come. With each step it will grow filling up small holes set in place by people who are lesser than the human race. It will lead you, and let it. You will run with the horses and when you get tired you will fly with the birds because you know how to simply be. And that’s all we, could ever ask of anyone.

My suicide post.

Lonely dumplings fill my belly until it aches. I feel much too full for having not eaten. There is an emptiness I cannot explain. My rug has been quickly removed while my blanket was simultaneously jerked from my cold and shivering body in the same fashion. I’ve never been this close before. The edge is not merely visible and the tunnel is all but dark. Even the slightest light escapes as I look over the edge. Have you ever had a dream where you needed to be rescued but all of your screams only came out as a whisper? This is how I feel yet I’m not asleep. I’m screaming and crying and begging and pleading and my chewed lip is bleeding as I sit quietly on the corner of my bed. I peer over the cliff feeling alive and doing so in such a moment seems so ironic. I have control over nothing and yet everything at the same time. I’m full but hollow. I do not have fear, I do not have regret or remorse. There is no forethought and there surely will be no after. This feels like a conclusion of a highly motivated mathematical disaster. I do not pause to wonder about the mourners or the ceremony. I feel free like a bird finally pushed from its nest and learning to fly. My stomach touches my spine and I am okay with being done.

See the truth is I had thought about suicide many times before. But it wasn’t until the last 2 months or so that I had started planning it. I felt so alive planning it. It ignited a spark inside me that I cannot fully explain. I was proud. I felt clever like a spy. I felt like I hid it all so well while being deep undercover. I think the ones closest to me knew, but no one said anything. I was only reminded of how stupid the thought was, but see it wasn’t a thought, it wasn’t even an option. It was exactly where my life had built up to. And somehow I was okay with that. I look back on this time with disgust. Instead of doing what I so clearly knew I had to, I calmly got up from the corner of my bed and drove to my therapists office. There had been no tears up until this point but I broke when I opened the door. There were emotions pouring out of me from places I didn’t even know emotions could hide. Almost as if they were all joined in a game of hide and seek and decided to give up at the exact same time and come running out. I feel as though I told my therapist the truth initially but I know I quickly began to back pedal. I started to stumble over my words and offer new insight into my misconstrued story. I felt soo much shame.

Which brings me to this point. Today as I write this I am happy. I can always find a way to smile even when I shouldn’t. I couldn’t imagine not being here now because I have so many people I care about. I still wonder why suicide is such a shameful thought? It never feels like an option. Like a shortcut to something better. It feels as if all the other roads in your life are destroyed and you have to evacuate down one singular path. It is so very sad. I wish no one would ever feel this way though I know many do. So for those contemplating you have to know that it is okay to feel how you feel but you mustn’t act upon these feelings. You are never truly alone. Go out into the street and scream. Do not stay silent. Call someone, anyone. See I know it’s easy to let go and I know how good it feels to actually be in control of your life in those moments but you have to fight. You have to kick and shout and unleash that crying child inside. Let someone know. You have to be loud about your feelings and know it’s okay. Just do not fall silent. Make waves and do not be afraid or much like I was, ashamed. You have done nothing wrong. All of the events that led up to this are just that, events. Mere happenings. One should never feel shame about any emotion or feeling or thought. Certainly not in this regard. Growing up and even now I hear about how it’s the “cowards way out”, or “a stupid thought”, and most of all “not ever an option”. These things are said to try and make us steer clear but it only makes us feel worse. And they might always be said but you must know that out of all the reasons you have to end your life there are a million more as to why you shouldn’t. Deep down we all know this, but it gets lost along the way. And ya know what, that’s okay too. We can always turn around. Our options are much more open than we may ever think.

To those who can’t imagine doing such a thing, do not belittle that in which you do not understand. Simply offer to help and if you do not know how, then please find someone who does. Do not stop searching until you are sure beyond all measure that the person that chose you to come to will never be silent again.  Because believe me, in that moment it seems as though not going to anyone and remaining silent would be so much easier. Hope is a fragile thing and must at all times be handled with care and love.

If we are here for no other apparent reason then maybe, just maybe we are here to help one another until this life ends.

There is a lot more to be said about the subject of suicide, but I think in the grand scheme as long as we are talking about it then we are on the right path. Mental illness is very real. It is just like any other illness and should be in no way shameful. Just like any other illness people die from it. Maybe we can help curb that by just making it not so darn shameful to be mentally ill.

God Bless. Now go forth and make waves.

I am still here.

This my most recent writing. It came about at a whim and like most of what I write it was done so on my phone. I haven’t proofread it so it’s likely riddled with grammatical mistakes. In light of that I ask that you overlook them unless of course it’s so glaring that it makes the writing itself become incomprehensible. If that does happen I apologize and I also make a very empty promise to edit all of these one day. I guess I kinda prefer things in the raw form. Well…. here you are then!

Things have happened to me. To us all. I am here because of a string of events far reaching in their ways. Stinging and cutting there way into me and slowly attaching there selves to my soul. Wrapping around my being like an octopus grasping it’s last meal. I carry with me a luggage of hurt. A duffel bag of fear, and a backpack of anger. Sometimes I unpack these and show them to others in a odd placed game of show and tell. I wave them around and proclaim “this is what I’ve been through!” I do not like having this luggage. It is burdensome and heavy and sometimes it slows me down and becomes cumbersome to the point of freezing me in place. In those times I pray. My prayers are always answered. Like a slip of paper falling from the sky and slowly shifting from side to side as it falls through the atmosphere until finally it hits me. It lands squarely and softly atop my head. A glimmer of hope. A helium filled balloon that I can tie on my backpack to lighten it’s load just enough so that I can regain my footing. It helps me venture on. Sometimes I abandon this luggage altogether and I feel so light that I might float away. As if gravity itself could not pin me to this earth. My head grows big and I have to hurriedly pick my luggage back up so I can stay grounded. I do not like this. I don’t want to carry it at all. I want to walk free of everything…. but I know I can’t. Life itself is a burden, but a beautiful one. We are tethered together to everyone we pass though we do not know it. As quickly as we might dismiss this notion we often find ourselves bending down to help another. Sometimes if for no other reason than frustration. I for one love my burdens. I love my past events. They hurt sooo bad sometimes that I sob. But they have brought me here and here I stand. I am here. And if not for nothing that has to be more than enough. Some never make it this far. When they freeze they make sure that the place in which they cease to move becomes their grave. They do not give up. I do not believe anyone does, they just cannot find a way to lighten their load. And when it becomes that heavy you simply drop everything and float away. Some never make it back to earth. The scars on my wrist tell a story of a time when my load was to heavy. The memories of staring down barrels of guns meant to free me remind me of why I am here now. It helps me push on. Sometimes when hope falls it’s hard to see it, but I promise it’s their. If you do feel inclined to drop your load to loosen your grip, it’s okay. We all have that right. But please do not let your tether break. Use it to come back. You have much good to do, and if for some short time you wish for me to carry your luggage I will, but only under the strict agreement that you will stick around and carry mine. We are not alone, no matter how lonely we feel in crowded rooms, no matter how high the walls are around us when we stand with others, our tethers transcend even the most purely forged steel and we can help one another. Things have happened but I’m here… I have a long journey and so do you.

Well okay then!

As with most of my writings they are not aimed at anyone in specific other than myself. It is usually just a collection of thoughts that come together and seem to sound good to me. They are what they are and I share them in hopes that maybe someone can take something away from them. So enjoy.

Things will be okay…

I tell myself this every single day after day, all my fears will float away, and all the blocks will fall into place because things will be okay.

Wars will be fought and lost, people will die, houses will burn and you will watch them transcend form and drift off into the sky but things will be okay.

Okay is a loose term I know.

It can be broad in its reaches.

It can fill gaps once thought to rival that of the Grand Canyon… but with time… as they say… things will be okay.

Tears will dry, more will come again to wet your face, your grip on hope will slowly fade affording you the opportunity to have hardship that you once thought was impossible.

it is possible however that one day far far away things will be okay.

Hurt is not forever because forever is a long damn time and no one will surely hurt that long.

Please pick yourself up.

You can keep your walls but only if you stand back up!

Giving up is not an option for there is no try there is only do or do not and you do not give up on you because you know that life hits hard but sometimes getting the wind knocked out of your lungs makes you appreciate every single breath there after so you will trek on!

You will be strong and you will know that things will be okay and they shall, day after day after day….

Lessons learned will come into play, you will have a second wind and you will love it because the first one was taken from you with that kick to the gut that made you expel all you thought you had, you have more!

And behind every solid oak door lies another monster that will never go away so you stand up and say, “listen motherfucker we are going to be best friends!”

Finally you let yourself go because day after day after… aahhhhhhh so many days have gone away and everything doesn’t feel okay.

The monster asks if you would like to come outside to play and all you see is rain.

Bleak is the outlook and the meek will inherit the earth as some say, but no!

Not today because I have willed it so and so shall it be not only for you but also for me!

I haven’t given up, even when you did and now, right now!

Everything is okay, and if it’s not…

I’m still here, and well that’s okay.

Days of days gone by.

Days and days go by
Some days you laugh
Some days you cry
Always thinking of tomorrow
While tomorrow never comes
Swimming in water oh so deep
Trying to feel the logical step beneath your feet
Waiting on time
Always shouting but never heard
Feeling your way through the meaning of words
Words selected oh so carefully
Never fulfilling your destiny
Waiting on tomorrow
Well my son it seems as though tomorrow will never come

Know your limitations…

None of the events that took place during the previous entries about my stay in a mental health unit were imagined or dreamed up. I had literally come to my breaking point. Luckily I was smart enough to realize that and Thank God I had people around me to point me in the right direction. Something to keep in mind here is that it was no one’s fault, but rather a case of neglect in which I chose to overlook my emotional well being. I feel this is likely something that many people do every day. It is quite common to stop saying “no”, whether it is to others or to yourself. It is said that the burdens we carry are only done so out of love. We effectively love those burdens, whatever they may be. At some point though there has to come a time where we shed the burdens we do not need otherwise they will pull us down to a point in which we become mentally immobile. This was the point I was at. Feeling as if I had nowhere to go and even if I did I couldn’t. In cases like this, extreme thinking begins to take over. As humans this is the time in which we have come to our boiling point if you will and we HAVE TO learn to pull ourselves away from the metaphorical heat.

I say all this not as a plea but to simply and quite hopefully let everyone see that it is not a case of someone who couldn’t handle things but just an emotional state that everyone is capable of reaching. On anyone’s worst day they could be in a mental health unit. And thus the stigma that is attached to being mentally ill should be discarded. When I have a cavity I go to the dentist, this was nothing more than that. It just seems much more taboo because it was my mental state.

With that being said I simply want to encourage everyone to take a moment and think about how they feel. It takes nothing more than a mere second to perform an irreversible action. It can take exactly as long to realize that maybe talking to someone could help put you on a better path. So please do not disregard your feelings, do not push your emotions aside, and do not dismiss the way you feel. Realize that happiness is not only within your grasp but also something you deserve.

Psych-Ward Ramblings (My 50 hours in a Mental Health Unit).

 Day 3

And the sun rises on my third day. It is important to note at this point that technically I have not been here 72 hours. I arrived Tuesday and today is only Thursday, but 2 nights feels like 3 days to me. Homesickness has truly found a place inside of me and I am more than ready to go home. The amount of anxiety that I have continually had since arriving is truly astounding considering how beautifully I have handled it. In here though one only has to worry about themselves. Past, present and future, none of it matters. In fact nothing else matters in here except for the body that carries the mind that brought you here in the first place.

As I sit here on my bed and write there is finally something worth taking notice of outside the window. The sun shines on my journal almost divinely (this is the moment I decide I will somehow eventually share what I have written down). Outside of the window I notice a wonderful orange hue as the sun rises and is set so benevolently against a beautiful azure blue rising across a deeply saturated green tree line. It is a new day and I am excited to venture into it knowing that I can make my own happiness.

Although it hurts my hand and my penmanship is hardly legible there is something deeply cathartic about writing in this journal. A simple pen and paper. No keys to push, no auto correct or spelling check, just the pen that kisses the paper as I share more about myself with this journal than I have with any living thing in quite some time. I can simply write how I feel. There is no judgment on this paper. There is no right or wrong. I can choose to punctuate however I would like and the best feeling of all… I can simply leave it be and never pay any attention to it again. In this moment I realize that I may not leave today (though it is voluntary and I could leave at any point) and I feel okay with that. I feel surprised at how strong I am. I liken myself to an old home. Built methodically with love and patience. Through the years renovations have been done. New layers of paint applied both inside and out. Now in this moment, in here, all of that has been stripped away. There is nothing left but the home itself just as it was when it was first built. From here the home can become whatever the builder wants it to be. Through a special guidance I know this home will be the most pleasing version that it can be.

I had to change rooms last night around 3 a.m.; I actually know what time it was because I checked at the nurses’ station. My new roommate snores louder and with more raucous than I have ever heard. I get out of bed and Thank God, my Heavenly Father, for all that I am and more importantly all that I can be. I brush my teeth and learn that the mechanically automated sink in which you push a button to receive water for an allotted amount of time is either broken or thinks it funny to only give me water in 2 second bursts. Once I feel satisfied that my teeth are clean I make my bed for what I can only hope is the last time and I pull my hoodie over my head. About that time Linda pokes her head in my door and cheerfully says “come on baby it’s time for breakfast”. We all trek down the hall to the dining area and receive our trays. I was delighted to open my styrofoam clamshell serving container to see bacon. The joy I felt seeing that bacon was tremendous and I finally began to understand living in the moment.

The next couple hours go much like the day before except for my goal of the day was “to go home and start my life on my own”. I had finally succumbed to the pangs of homesickness. During morning activity we watch the news once again and I stretch out feeling renewed. The social worker shares a delightful thought with us, “happiness is a place between too little and too much”. It is a Finnish proverb. God Bless Finland! When morning activity is done I find myself walking up and down the hallway stopping at each end to stretch. I was anxious to see the psychiatrist and time could not move fast enough, but each second down was another second closer to possibly leaving. I finally settled in the small activity area and began asking everyone how they slept which everyone replied unanimously that they slept great. There is something to be said about receiving sleep medication each night.

Finally it was time for group therapy. Once again I was excited because after all group went so well the day before. This time I placed myself in the back of the dining area with some SnackWells Devil’s Food cookies. I think I have found a new vice. I was quiet today and just tried to take in what John said. He spoke about death and how as humans we never accept death for being as final as it truly is, we simply push it away with sayings like “grandmother has passed” or “grandfather is in a better place”. John explains that we should have our time and realize that this is in effect the end of a chapter in our life, but on a brighter note we never know how great things can become in the next if, and this is a big if, we decide to make them so. “Tomorrow is never promised” he says and asks if anyone knows why. I stay quiet much like the rest of the room until someone says “because tomorrow is today”. I was taken back by this. How can a saying I have heard so many times before all of a sudden mean so much? “EXACTLY!” John exclaims. “So if tomorrow is today than we have to start living for today. We have to actively work to fix our problems”. John brings up my analogy about the work truck and says that it takes much more knowledge and strength to know our limits then it does to push ourselves beyond them. This goes against everything I have ever been told. My entire life has been about pushing myself to overcome all the fears that hold me back. I certainly should never give into them. This speaks volumes to me. Realizing that I should never try to push myself past the point of breaking, and finding my limits and knowing them, and thusly improving upon them. Once again I am rescued by a nurse saying it is my turn to meet with the psychiatrist.

The walk down the hall seems to take forever but I do not rush it. Doing so would seem to go against something in me and given the amount of homesickness I currently have I am not quite sure what. I enter the room and sit down. This time I say nothing. I stay seated waiting for the psychiatrist to speak to me. She looks up and asks me “how do you feel today?” Without hesitation I say “hopeful” and all at once the flood gates open. I am hopeful about my life and all I have to look forward to. I still have so much to do and so much to teach my daughter about chasing her dreams. I finally reel myself in and stop talking. Again the psychiatrist looks up and says “you can go”. I stand up and walk toward the door then pause and ask “Home? I can go home?” I received a nod, a smile and one of the best yes moments in my life.

The day decides to go much slower than any other day of my life at this point. I make it back to group to enjoy the end and John wraps things up hurriedly like he did the day before. We all leave the dining area and I start telling everyone that I am leaving and they all seem so genuinely happy for me. I tell Linda that I get to go home and she hugs me and says “well I don’t know why you were here to begin with; you are as cool as cucumber”. To this I just laugh. There is no other reaction that seemed to be fitting. My last couple of hours are the most anxiety ridden. Part of me is excited to leave and the other part is scared. I have to go be an adult again. I have to go take care of my responsibilities. Maybe I should write a letter to my health insurance and thank them for the vacation.

Leaving was exactly as bittersweet as I thought it would be. Hugging the people I had played board games with the night before. Collecting what few belongings I had brought in and had brought to me. I was ready to leave I guess. Time continued to tick away. Vitals were checked and I had to do some deep breathing to get my heart rate under 100 beats per minute. I enjoyed lunch which was made up of ham and steamed vegetables. Second group activity was actually fun as we all played the game Fact or Crap. I have always enjoyed trivia based games. Finally it was time for our second snack and again I grabbed some SnackWells cookies. I walked to the window and looked out thinking about being out there again and if I was ready for that. I figured if I could survive the last two days then I would be okay. After finishing my last cookie my name was called. I started to pass out hugs and finally worked my way to Linda. She looked up at me from a seated position in the dining area and stuck her hand out. I laughed and asked her if that was truly all I got? She then grabbed me and hugged me while talking into my ear and making sure not to let go until she had finished speaking. “You go home baby and you take care of that little girl and don’t forget to be good and I don’t ever want to see you again”. I cried through my smile the whole way down the hall to the exit. I was finally free.

For the sake of the true individuals involved all names have been changed.