Moving along

The hardest time I have ever faced is when I stopped seeing myself grow. With nothing to reassure me I was on the right path I felt as though I had simply stopped moving forward. Even through therapy and medication I still felt stuck and that was the time I realized that in some instances it’s hard to simply stay the course and have faith. There is no one telling you that you have done a good job or made the right decision. There are no pats on the back and no atta’boys for your effort. It is simply a disgusting stagnant feeling of non-movement. A feeling of relapse even, but I know where I stand. I know that on days like these I simply have to dig in my heels and know that while I might not see growth it is happening. It may not be bountiful and all at once but changes are occurring. Maybe on a smaller more molecular level, but on those levels are when the most significant changes occur. Coming forward and settling into place being unwilling to be pushed back down the hill that you have fought to climb, there may be a long road ahead but I assure you with each second the road behind becomes longer as well. You may not be able to see the future or make out where you should even begin to trek but your past becomes clearer every single day and I have yet to meet a man who is not defined by his past. The reason for this is that your past completes your future and the only moment you have is the very present. So for everyone who is scared they might be stuck or a bit afraid that they might not be moving forward, I say this to you…. Stand still and know that it takes just as much strength to do so.

Hairballs and tree stumps.

It’s like a hairball caught in my throat and every time I cough I begin to choke, so I leave it there. I know the damage it does and how my lungs are only at half mass but I’m afraid of dying if I remove it on my own. I know one day it will come up, blood and all and if I’m really lucky on that day I won’t fall. Instead I will be relieved even if I continue to bleed. It’s like a tree that has taken root and then been cut down so the stump remains. Most the time I cover it up but it leaves me with shame. I wonder if people can see it and what they think but then I realize they were never looking at me anyway. And in any given moment on any given day it could be towed out but what would remain? A hole the size of a full grown tree and me looking to frantically replace it with something I do not need. I want to remove it, to cough it up, but I know that without time I won’t have any luck. So for now I will leave it be and simply remove it piece by piece and in intervals of every two weeks. Some may not see the damage they do and some may be aware without really having a clue. While I’m on the half with the others searching for glue, but that’s okay because this is my side and these are my people even if we have a tendency to hide. It’s an odd thing you see, having a hairball in your throat, or a stump in your chest. It takes away from life and makes moments hard to digest. Which in some cases maybe sad because moments are all we really have. I guess if I had to choose I would have it all just surgically removed. There would be a hole and it would hurt so bad but maybe not for so long and maybe I wouldn’t be so sad. Maybe I could even write without so many contractions. I do not think that coughing it up or pulling it out would be the right course of action. We have to live with these things and feel them. It gives us a greater understanding of other men and it allows us to see, that thousand yard stare of a mental disease. We feel emphatically for those we do not know and it helps us to help them and in those moments grow. And each time we grow a splinter falls out, a hair comes up and we are able to breathe a little lighter and sit down our cups. For all of you out there with your hairballs and stumps please don’t cut them out. Easily remove them with time and emotion. Lean on others when doing so. Take each day and grow. Help who you can and those that you see falling. So that you may know that the world gives back and maybe… you will find your calling.

Apologies

I do not apologize for who I am

I do not apologize for who I am not

I do not apologize for who I could be

I do not about apologize for what I’ve forgot

Because life sweeps you up and it takes you away

It gives you different stresses until your hair turns gray

Maybe if you’re lucky it might just fall out

And if you win the lottery you could see what life’s all about

I am not here to be sorry or to be sane

I am here to be me because I won’t ever be again

I am once in a lifetime and one in a trillion

I am not a wrong or a right to be given

I should not be scolded or looked down upon

I will not thieve from life and I will not con

I will give love and hope it comes back to me

If it doesn’t I will still hope

If it does…

Pay him no attention.

As though I say things that I do not mean.
My brain has exact retention of all the things I say and I do not say them expecting them to carry no weight.
My words mean so much to me and so little to you.

Come find me.

Come find me.

Where the grass grows long, come find me

I will not wait for dawn, come find me.

After a heart breaks I will be gone, come find me.

In the trees by the river, come find me.

She won’t be along and she won’t come hither, come find me.

By the water on my knees, come find me.

A gentle jarring breeze, come find me.

Muddied ground covered with leaves, come find me.

A soul that quivers and a mind that shakes, come find me.

I am asking you now before the morning breaks…

Please come find me.

Wonderful woes.

Woe woe woe.
Woe is me.
Oh how woeful I can sometimes be.
As though rain is always awash over me.
As though nothing more is all I’ll ever be.
As if a life of losing somehow describes me.
As if there are things I will never acheive.
As if this is all a part of my preplanned destiny.
As if a woe is something I find in me.
A woefully wonderfully woeful woe would certainly explain me.
So I say to you…
Oh woe is, woe is, woe is me.
Oh world how can you let this be?
Oh how it fell so suddenly!
Oh I wish I knew this wasn’t a certainty…
But woe is, woe is, woe is me.
And it’s wonderfully woeful that it’s all I’ll ever be.

And it just keeps repeating.

I hate you, I fucking hate you. You ripped out my heart, I hate you. You smile with your lipstick and you used me to get over shit. I hate you. I hate your hair. I hate your eyes, I hate your smile, I hate your lies, I hate your body, I hate your smell, I hate your values, I hate this cell. It’s made of hate. A stringed together collection of memories we made. You were mean but you said it was for me, now I’m mean and you act like I shouldn’t be. You don’t undetstand, you can’t comprehend, you just laugh and like to pretend. It’s not okay. The things you take and what you give away, it’s not okay. I hate this day, I hate my heart, I hate your guts, I hate new starts. I hate packing my shit, I hate talking, I hate seeing you smile, I hate walking. It’s not fair, it’s unfair and unjust, you filled me with hopes I thought I could trust. What about sorry? Why won’t you say it? Is it because you’d have to be wrong to even rationalize the thought of the word coming from your pursed lips? Like laser beams and lighting rods from a wizards finger tips. You hurt me. You made me break. You built me up and and you cut me down. You took all my smiles and gave me a frown. I hate your car, I hate your friends, I hate your heart, I hate how this ends. I wasn’t enough that’s fair, but you dragged me through that for over a year. You knew but you didn’t speak, you held onto it and made me bleek, it’s not a metaphor it’s just the truth I hate all the things about you and the way you do.

Love is…

Love is…
Unequivocally amazing, especially when it’s true

Love can fill you with butterflies.
Something from a fairy tale that few experience but all want.
Unprovoked, unresting, and unrelenting.
It is hard to let go of.
It is harder to hold onto.
Not a lie.
Not made up.
Exactly what we want, when we make it, how we want it, and not always equal.
Beautifully possible and when it’s true, able to overcome anything.

Why are we different?

I have a memory of being about 7 or 8 years old and being in a department store with my family. In the store I met and interacted with a young man, possibly mid 20s, whom was wheelchair bound and seemed to be mentally incompetent. I remember trying to say hello and speak to him and then feeling an overwhelming sadness. Shortly after we left the store.

Upon all five of us piling into a small ford ranger I began to cry. My mother asked what was wrong as I sat on her lap and wept. I stopped crying long enough to ask “why does God make people that way?” Now clearly at that age my full understanding of God was simply that he was amazing and he protected us and made everything better all of the time. Looking back on this memory I cannot recall what my mother answered with, but I remember not feeling any better about the situation. Soon after I’m sure I found something else to occupy my time. Though I was a sensitive child I was slightly hyper as well.

Shortly after this interaction I volunteered at my elementary school to help woth the special needs children. Not only did I get excused from class for 30 to 45 minutes but I also had the chance to peer into this world in a more intimate manner. After a couple visits I learned that I could play with the children the same way I played with my other school mates. Soon some of my friends began to come as well and it was a part of the day I really looked forward too. One of the students in the special needs class was in a wheel chair so play time with him was somewhat constricted. He did however love high fives and jello. So my friends and I would line up and give him high fives for what seemed like minutes on end and he would never cease to giggle after each one. We also got to help feed him jello which was great because we got jello too.

I think about this now because I am a father and I would like to know how to answer this question were my child ever to ask it. Truth be told though, I’m not sure I could. I understand we are all different for unique and wonderful reasons, but this surely will not suffice a curious child. I never want my daughter to know of any separation in equality between her and others. I also want her to respect everyone and seek out the beauty in individuality. My daughter is only 2 so hopefully I have a couple more years before I have to tackle this as well as countless other questions. Providing she does ask I think I will simply tell her this, “our Heavenly Father makes us all different so we can enjoy being friends that much more.” I mean it would get quite boring were we all the same.

Be kind, rewind!

Be kind. Be kind in all you do. Be kind because you do not know what is in someone else’s mind. What chain reaction your words may set in place. See this life isn’t a race and if it was the ones set slow paced like lumbering elephants would win. Triumphantly with their trunks raised ignoring the monkeys praise. Be considerate. Always be considerate. Be considerate because you do not know the pain that has stained someone else’s soul and in that moment you must help them glow so that the light they shine can be seen by all of mankind and then, it will be your turn. Be loving. Every moment of every day be loving. Be loving because you know that love is something no man can conquer and it is a beast that grows just like anger but the only one that grows is the one you feed and love… love is what the world needs. Be patient. With each driving breath be patient. Be patient because someone may have waited longer, stood taller, and cried harder. Maybe you are player two and your turn hasn’t come around but it will so do not frown. Be sure. Of all you do be sure. Be sure because each day brings a passing glance of the past and all you have overcome so be sure that nothing has knocked at your door you cannot overcome. You are the one who knocks. Be careful. With each step be careful. Be careful because there are toes carefully planted beneath you feet and with each one stepped on they will cry out directly on beat letting you know their woes and where you should be headed but you are headed in a different direction a better path one not meant to be directed. Be humble. With every victory be humble. Be humble because you know how hard it can be and you would never tease a honeybee who has yet to make his honey. Being humble let’s others walk in your shadow, it let’s you lead the way when even you are unsure of where you are headed. Be you. In all that you may do, be you. Be you because you know no one else can. These shoes were made to fit only your feet and that gold was used to pave your street. Know that if your smile was up for sale it would be bought and placed over Mona Lisa’s because it doesn’t just shine bright it is the essence of light, it is you. Be confident. Into each new day be confident. Be confident because you can see your mile markers meticulously placed all along your route letting you know that you have never stopped and that no one else could make it this far. Be what you are and if you don’t have confidence, fake it and be confident that it will come. With each step it will grow filling up small holes set in place by people who are lesser than the human race. It will lead you, and let it. You will run with the horses and when you get tired you will fly with the birds because you know how to simply be. And that’s all we, could ever ask of anyone.